1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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