take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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