How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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