I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
