Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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