Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Damn victory sex feels great
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