i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
