I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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