I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I can't turn off my feet"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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