Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
