I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
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He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
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I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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