I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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