Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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