I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
