theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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