Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
