High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
