my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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