i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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