Your face is a jimmy john
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
