new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
