i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
