god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
