Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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