I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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