First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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