ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
