I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My balls are so social today.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
