I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
