I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
