He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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