I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
