I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
