Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
