Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
