I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
