my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.