At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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