What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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