farters have to be the big spoon...
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
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I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
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I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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