Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
