Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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