Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
