i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
