Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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