She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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