My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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