I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Randomize
