Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
