It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
