Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
