found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
