Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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