I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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