I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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