I just pynch a tree in the face
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
