this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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